Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!!, originally uploaded by SWVirginiaDeity.

I posted this picture to my Flickr account on St. Patrick’s Day of 2008. It was taken on March 15, 2007. At the time it was taken, I was about two weeks away from losing my dad. In this picture, Kate has borrowed his St. Patrick’s Day hat and is rocking it in front of the camera.

My dad was diagnosed with an advanced metastatic malignancy in December of 2006 by imaging studies (later determined to be melanoma). He died on March 30, 2007. Despite all of my medical training and my experiences in dealing with death (as an assistant state medical examiner), I was completely incapable of making his passing any less terrible. I know that he suffered at the end and I still hold on to a lot of guilt over that.

I cherish this picture. Unfortunately, I didn’t start taking pictures until right around the time that he died. I like to make pictures that have elements that remind me of him. Being around Kate (and Natalie) made him happy, even when he felt terrible. When Kate looks a little down I’ll ask her what’s wrong. From time to time she’ll say, “I miss Grandpa Gary.” I know that he had a positive impact on her life, just as she made his last few months a little less bad.

I miss him too. I think that the passage of time just lengthens the interval between having sad feelings. But, I think that when those thoughts and feelings are present, they are just as hard and painful as they were during the days just before and after his death.